And so...

Sep. 3rd, 2004 10:07 pm
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[personal profile] perpetuity
Everyone: take a moment to hope/pray/whatever that Hurricane Frances doesn't kill anyone else or destroy anymore lives.

Kana test today. *sighs* It took me maybe ten minutes to realize I was drawing the sideways v-shape in katakana ne wrong. As usual. I always make that mistake... Made it on my final exam last year... and I freak out; It's "Oh crap, I swear that's how it was on the chart... I'm never going to learn and I'll fail and I won't get into college and my parents will be upset and I won't get a good job and I'll be a TAXI DRIVER or a WAITRESS for the rest of my life and that's the last legal form of slavery in America and I'll never have any money and I'll die alone in a NURSING HOME...!"

Well, not all of that.

Kuwabara's Fatelike Encounter!

Kuwabara glanced up at the title of the story.

"Is 'fatelike' even a word?" he asked skeptically.

Well, I dunno, your author (NOT authoress; that term is considered sexist, thank you very much) responded in kind. Fatal is wrong, I know that.

The teen delinquent sighed. "'Fatal' is probably accurate, if you're one of those psycho tweeny-bopper Kurama-fangirls." He glanced at the 'camera.' "Sorry, man, you know I love ya."

Do you, now?

"You are watching Yu Yu Hakusho, right?" the boy asked politely, as he started walking towards school. He usually walked with Yusuke and Keiko, but for the purpose of this fanfic we're going to ignore that.

"Why am I not surprised?" Kuwabara muttered.

We're going to ignore that, too.

"O Thank You, mighty authoress," he sniped.

Touchy, touchy.

"Can you really blame me?" the teen asked rhetorically. "I'm one of the most hated characters on the show, if not the most hated. Man, even the anime's character designer, Mari Kitayama, completely ignored me when Atari interviewed her. Y'know, on the Tournament's End DVD?" Dejectedly, he slung his bag over his shoulder. "I mean, she showed off her designs of Hiei, Kurama and Urameshi, and talked about their appeal to people. Hell, she even talked about Keiko. But not me." He sighed.

"I think that hurts even worse than the stupid Mary Sue brats tossing my character into a cotton candy machine and twisting and fluffing it to suit their whims." Kuwabara kicked at a soda can in his path.

Speaking of Mary Sues... Kazuma, don't look now, but--

"Oh, CRAP," Kuwabara exclaimed. "That guy over there!"

He pointed towards the Yukimura Diner, where a group of Kasanegafuchi Junior High students were gathered in a circle. The tallest among them was a dark-haired boy with glassy blue eyes that reflected the sky like the ocean.

"Hey, not a bad Stu-y description," Kuwabara said appreciatively, scanning over the passage. "Whimsical, sappy and it makes little-to-no sense!"

...I'm not sure whether I should be insulted or flattered...

"Anyway, like I was saying, I know that guy!" Kuwabara said, jaw setting into a determined, disgusted grimace. "His name's Suzuki."

Isn't that the Japanese equivalent of 'Smith?'

"It's also the name of a pre-existing canon character," Kuwabara agreed. "This chick ain't big on originality." His head suddenly jerked towards the sky and the direction of the disembodied author. "The Sue isn't yours, is it?" he asked suspiciously. "I mean, geez, it's not like Crossovers day again, is it?" He shuddered. "Man, that was scary; one silver-haired, doggy-eared bishounen is enough, you know?"

But isn't Kurama so foxy?

"Ha-ha. You're not slashing me with Kurama today, author. I'm not in the mood." He dropped his bag. "'Sides, I got a gang to beat up."

Beware, they're probably beating up a Sue. Why not wait and let Hiei do all the work? Less bashing.

"So what? She's a girl, and I ought to save her. Besides, Hiei's on strike."


"Yeah. He got sick of all those Mary Sues. Why do you think he disappeared for eight episodes after the Yojigen Mansion?"

Ah. I just thought he was pissed at being revealed as Genkai's bitch to all his legions of fans.

"Oh, he was," Kuwabara assured the author-voice. "Don'cha remember him taking it out on Urameshi once he finished being 'bad?'" He rolled his shoulders and cracked his knuckles. "Time to play hero!"

Casually, Kuwabara approached the gaggle of Kasane students. Smirking slightly, he pushed his way through the crowd.

Sure enough, in the middle of the circle stood a teenaged girl, with delicate aqua-maroon curls that reached her waist, and were streaked with silver at the bangs. Her amethyst-azure-y eyes sparkled with tears, matching the one track that traced her moonlight white cheek. Fear like a deer in the headlights radiated from her petite, yet generously busty, form. It was tangible, and forced you to look at her--or, more accurately, her beach ball chest and tight ass.

"Oh, save me, sexy mysterious bishounen who will carry me away into a cliched sunset and make sweet, sweet love to meeeee..." Mary Sue whimpered, sounding more pathetic than Tom Felton did when Emma Watson decked him.

"Oi, Gary Stu!" Kuwabara boomed, disgusted by the teen's vicious acts. "Leave the girl alone. Your fight is now with me."

Stu's glassy eyes quickly, efficiently appraised the delinquent known as Kuwabara. Muscled build, bad reputation. But he had never beaten Urameshi, and Stu was confident he could beat Sarayashiki's Number One Delinquent, so the second banana Kuwa-chan should be a breeze, right?


Gary Stu smiled a pearly white, sickeningly blood thirsty smile.

"Why don't you try and make me, Kuwa-chan?" he taunted.

Mary Sue jerked her head up, distracted from angstily contemplating the laces of her shoes. "Kuwa-what?!" she asked.

"Easy, punk," Kuwabara said confidently.

Fists clenched, Kuwabara rushed Gary Stu and rammed his stomach. Gary Stu coughed up blood and fell over.

"OC bishounen," Kuwabara sighed forlornly. "Might as well be paper dolls."

He glanced around the ranks of shocked KJHS suits. Each boy's jaw was brushing the ground like a broom, and a couple even had twitches in their eyes.

"Well?" Kuwabara questioned. "Any more takers?"

Those punks couldn't have left faster if they'd been shot from a cannon.

Immediately, Kuwabara turned his attention to the young lady, and rushed over to extend his hand.

"Are you all right, Miss?" he asked politely.

Mary Sue spat at him and scrambled to her feet, making no effort to keep her panties from the view of passing, single college students.

Fanservice, it ain't.

"I was fine," she snapped, "until YOU butted in, Kuwabaka!"

The big guy rolled his eyes. "You mean you wanted Gary Stu to--uh..." His cheeks flushed slightly. "Um, to defile you?"

"Wimp," Mary Sue snarled like a rabid dog. Which she might have been--remember, this is a Mary Sue. She might have been InuYasha's twin sister's Siamese triplet's daugher's aunt's postman's reincarnation's dogwalker's karate teacher's college psychology professor's stepcousin's lover's gay friend's mother's hair stylist's favorite author's editor's agent's wife's bookie's partner's stepfather's affair's brother's tenth grade lab partner's favorite bar tender's main squeeze or something. "You can't even say rape."

"Well, it's not exactly something to throw around, is it?" Kuwabara asked. "It's very traumatizing, from what I hear."

"You mean you even CAN?"

And people say I'm stupid, Kuwabara thought. "I'm not deaf, y'know."

"Well, you aren't HUMAN, either."

"Ennnnnt. Wrong again." Maybe he should disappear for a whole arc or something... Convince Mr. Togashi to send Yusuke and the demonic duo to the demon world or something, so he and the girls could get a break. Kurama did it during the Genkai and Yukina arcs. The fangirls had been overwhelming, he said. Part of the reason he had never been given a love interest was the trauma of all the fangirls crowding in on him... The Karasu Fiasco had almost shoved him over the edge. Mr. Togashi had apologized profusely.

"Whatever." Mary Sue sighed longingly. "Just think... in mere minutes, Kurama might have rescued me... if YOU hadn't ruined it stupid baka."

Kuwabara didn't bother pointing out to Miss Mary Sue that 'stupid baka' was redundant. Instead, he scanned the area... and spotted a redhaired foxy demonic redhead sitting on the balcony of the building across the street. Or, to be more precise, sitting on the railing of said balcony. Kuwabara thought he detected a slight sag of relief in Kurama's shoulders. He exhaled slowly, annoyed. The right thing to do for his friend was deal with the Sue, and let Kurama take a much-needed break from the legions of women who thought paint on cels was better than a real, flesh-and-blood man.

He waved at Kurama, and jerked his head to the Sue-creature, who was still continuing her tirade on how much the taller boy sucked for ruining her nonexistant chances with the show's obligatory bishounen.

Kurama nodded back, and jumped from the railing up to the roof, and disappeared into the horizon--probably towards the train that would take him back to his school.

"--ugly, and girl-crazy--"

Kuwabara nonchalantly checked his watch. Seemed like this chick would be going on for awhile.

"--stupid, weak, and don't forget stupid!--"

Kuwabara nonchalantly whistled as his paddle ball bounced cheerfully. He was looking to break his previous record of two hundred sixty consecutive, perfect whacks.

"--taking screen time from Kurama and Hiei--"

Kuwabara nonchalantly settled down into his red plush chair, and turned Little Men to page ninety. The sequel is never as good as the original, and Little Men was no exception, but he thought he might as well read it anyway.

"--stupid jokes, can't win a fight to save his--"

Kuwabara nonchalantly lined up his golf club with the ball. "FORE!" he yelled, swinging.

"--trying to prove how cool he is, and drooling over Yukina like--"

Kuwabara nonchalantly rolled over on his beach blanket. By his count, it was time to, if he wanted to keep his tan even.

"--Hiei thinks he sucks, and of course, omg, no one that sexy can ever be wrong--"

Kuwabara nonchalantly scrolled down the screen to check his e-mail. Crap, Botan had spammed him again with all of those crazy surveys and forwarders...

"--but of course he's a fag--"

Kuwabara noncha--"WHOA!" the human yelped. "What was that?"

"I thought you said you weren't deaf," the Sue said tartly.

"I heard you, all right," Kuwabara reassured her wryly. "I'm just wondering, since you're probably stereotypical Mary Sue, why would you broaden your horizons to include such a concept?"

Mary Sue blew out her nose like a rabid bull. Which she might have been, you know sin--aw, dang, forget it. Just scroll up, we did this gag already! I'm not that lame.

"Hiei told me all about you guys," she sniffed. "How you call him 'chibi' and he called you," she gagged slightly, "'Kazu-chan.'"

She promptly ran off to puke into a mailbox, because her pooooor widdle tum-tum couldn't handle such graphic imagery. Kuwabara filed that away for later use; if he ever ran into her again, he'd have to whip out his sister's yaoi doujinshi. Maybe her head would explode then...

The teen jogged back to where he had left his bookbag and the author's voice. He snagged the pack and slung it over his shoulder sluggishly. Suddenly, he didn't feel like going to school.

Another moment, and Kuwabara figured, to heck with it. The author seemed to have decided to leave him alone. So no bizarre inclinations tugged at him now. Only the normal, perfectly human urge to find an arcade and work off some rage by blasting aliens and running over street lamps.

"What are you doing here?" a deep voice asked all of a sudden.

Kuwabara sighed, looked both ways, and ducked into the shadows of an alley similar to the one where Hiei had first found Mary Sue.

Waiting for him, visible only by outline, was Hiei, short stature, spiky hair and all.

"Lay off, Hiei," Kuwabara tossed back, rather than the usual cannon burst his retorts usually consisted of. "I'm not in the mood."

"I... see."

"Do you?"

"Yeah." He nodded towards the mailbox across the street, where Mary Sue was currently screaming and trying to pull her head back out. "I saw the whole thing."

"Really, now? 'Cause I thought you were on vacation in Rome."

"Oh, I was," Hiei reassured him. "I saw it with my Jagan, and I rushed back to see the outcome in person. You see, that's the Sue I ran into last week."

Kuwabara raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that pushing it?" he asked skeptically. "I mean, you got some awesome powers, but that seems a little farfetched."

"It's fanfiction. Anything goes."

"Right, right..." Kuwabara gazed upwards, letting the Sue's words sink in. Even if he had played it off at the time, words did hurt... and so many was like a dozen needles, poking him like pincushion...

Like Hiei's hair... "Hey, Hiei."


"That chopped Suey over there? She said something like... I dunno..." He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled, to stall and gather his thoughts. "Did you tell her something to suggest we're a couple?"

"I did," the demon confirmed.

The human raised his eyebrows. He had expected his teammate to completely deny it.


"Because I figured she'd freak out," Hiei said frankly.

"Ah. I see."

The fire demon smirked slightly, and started out of the alley, leaving his comrade behind.

"Besides... no one is allowed to call you an idiot but me," he said decidedly. Pause. "Oh, and Shizuru."

"You rotten little PIPSQUEAK!" Kuwabara laughed.

Okay, [ profile] reikaisues? =DDD

Date: 2004-09-04 10:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
XD Hahahaha, I LOVED it!!!
She might have been InuYasha's twin sister's Siamese triplet's daugher's aunt's postman's reincarnation's dogwalker's karate teacher's college psychology professor's stepcousin's lover's gay friend's mother's hair stylist's favorite author's editor's agent's wife's bookie's partner's stepfather's affair's brother's tenth grade lab partner's favorite bar tender's main squeeze or something
That made me laugh so hard.

And yeah, I prayed. Mother Nature can be so...scary.

Date: 2004-09-04 11:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love lists like that--they're so much fun. Though I sat there for a few minues thinking it up...

Date: 2004-09-04 11:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And I appluad you for that. XD

Date: 2004-09-04 11:51 pm (UTC)

Date: 2004-09-04 11:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is fucking GREAT!! It's like the Monty Python of Sue-parody fanfic. >3 I like that long list of canon-relatedness...I died laughing at that. And when Sue called Kuwa a "fag". >3 If he were, he would have been able to get his Jigen-tô up.

Date: 2004-09-04 11:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lists like that are fun. ^^;;

I have a feeling we'll be laughing at the Jigen-tou line for weeks to come...He'll learn for Yusuke, don't worry.

Date: 2004-09-05 08:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, you mean this *isn't* Kuwabara/Hiei? *shrugs* Oh well. Loved the rant with Kuwa playing paddleball and tanning in between words.

Date: 2004-09-05 10:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I left it open; you can interpret it as KuwaHiei or whatever. I wanted the non-shounen ai people to be read it, too. =D Thanks; that part was kinda fun.


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